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Cathi Adams
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Are You Being Abused?
Cathi Adams © 2007 All Rights Reserved
How do you know if you are abused? If you don't know, then you probably will not leave your abusive home that you are living in, as you are unable to recognize you have been abused over the years. And once you do know, recognizing your spouse is an abuser does not mean he will change for you. The act of abuse takes two people: the abuser and the abused, the enabler who allows it to happen, again and again and again. The abuser has more power and is considered to be more responsible for their actions. By being abused, you are being verbally threatened and physical force is being used against you to create fear and to be controlled by violence.
Several years ago we thought abuse and neglect were isolated incidents, but we know now there are three types of far reaching abuses: physical abuse, sexual abuse and emotional abuse. Abuse and neglect go hand in hand and are hard to detect, with physical and behavioral indicators being the only signs available of abuse. In September of 1996, the National Incidence Study of Child Abuse and Neglect was released. This was a follow-up from previous studies done in 1980 and 1986. The September study showed that child abuse and neglect were seriously worsening. "The cases doubled between 1986 and 1993, going from 1.4 million to 2.8 million; and the number of cases involving serious injuries nearly quadrupled, rising from 143,000 to almost 570,000." And the real frightening thing is this; these children are now adults in their own homes, abusing their families as they were. They have been raised by adults who were angry and impatient with them, cold and distant with very little communication, and in a hostile environment. This is what they know as normal.
Physical signs of abuse are the most easily seen and diagnosed. Typical signs will be appearance and bodily injuries for others to see. When hitting, punching, slapping leave visible marks, they will be as clear as black and white. Loved ones being physically abused to control your behavior is another sign. Emotional abuse is the hardest abuse to see or detect as it usually influences your behavior alone. Behavioral indicators are something entirely differently to work with. They are extremely difficult to detect, with many interpretations available depending on the individuals involved and the situation. Behavior alone can portray abuse without any physical signs. Sexual abuse is hard to physically recognize unless there are physical signs of abuse. Many women who have been raped do not tell anyone, carrying the burden for many years. They carry years of secrecy and inner shame. An example can be as simple as saying "No, I am not in the mood" . . . and then having sex is forced upon you.
Neglect is just as damaging and goes hand in hand with abuse, but extremely more difficult in producing visible signs. The two main types of neglect are physical and emotional. Physical neglect means not having your physical needs met such as housing, clothing, medical care, or monetary support. Emotional neglect refers to the lack of emotional support or affection that is usually given to those we love out of caring. We have found that those who survive long-term abuse and neglect will eventually suffer permanent physical injuries and emotional traumas by those who want to control and remain in power over them.
And then we have verbal abuse. This is a whole different field. If someone calls you a name that is derogatory, you know you have been verbally abused. It is the most common form of verbal abuse and the most recognizable. But maybe you have been verbally abused in more subtle ways, and it is not as easy to spot, especially if you have been verbally abused all your life and it feels normal to you. How can it be wrong if it feels right? Some signs of hidden verbal abuse are as follows:
- This sort of abuse takes on many forms, easily being disguised as something else. Putting your finger on it will be extremely difficult to recognize or prove.
- As time goes on, the abusive relationship will intensify and words will become harsher and more ugly, eventually leading to physical abuse.
- Once they are out of your spouse's mouth, they will be meant to portray something else. You will be the one who is "seeing them as something negative" or the one "who picks a fight."
- Usually, the abuser will not say the verbal abuse in front of family or friends. That way it is your word against his so you will have to "prove it."
- Usually the abuser will act entirely different in public than behind closed doors. The only witnesses will be family members or close friends who are afraid to say anything until it usually is too late.
There are several actual signs the man you live with could be an abuser. They are varied and not 100% proof, but they could wake you up to a reality check. One important thing is to look at his past. Has he been abused by his father or mother, a brother or some other family member? Does he lack any communication skills with you, refusing to talk or listen? If so, you will be ignored or not listened to. Does he have no connection with women unless it is through anger or hostility? Does he use drugs or drink heavily? Does he get his way all the time, or pushes you until he gets his way all the time over your needs and wants? Is he overly jealous and possessive, using the words "but I love you" only to control. Ask yourself these questions and take a real hard look at your relationship, at you and at your life. Look very carefully.
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Cathi Adams is the author of "Divorce Secrets: What Every Women
Should Know." This invaluable resource provides steps to ensure
financial security to woman faced with the possibility of
divorce.
Visit her web site for a FREE report –What You Absolutely Must
Know Before You Even THINK About Getting A Divorce:
http://www.DivorceDefense.com |
